


Why won't you stay (with me)?

by Captain_Holland



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel, Marvel (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: AU in which there is no serum, Childhood Memories, Depression, Fluff and Angst, Goodbyes, Huge amount of feels, M/M, Pre-Serum Steve Rogers, Sad Ending, World War II
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-30
Updated: 2014-08-30
Packaged: 2018-02-15 09:33:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,651
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2224104
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Captain_Holland/pseuds/Captain_Holland
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"That's where we met, Steve. All those years ago. It only seems like yesterday for me when I saw you getting beaten up in there. But you know what? You actually fought back. You wouldn't let them just do that to you. That was pretty amazing, Steve."</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Bucky takes Steve on a last walk through Brooklyn before he leaves for the war.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Why won't you stay (with me)?

**Author's Note:**

> English isn't my first language so I'm afraid there could be some small mistakes in it. Hopefully you'll enjoy it, though! :)

The wind was blowing unforgivingly outside and Steve could feel the cold sipping through his clothes as he walked through the streets. His hands were stuffed into his pockets and his face felt numb. It was an exeptionally cold winter night and it didn't promise anything better for tomorrow. His heart clenched when he thought about what he knew would be happening in just a couple of hours and he fastened his pace. Bucky had said he would be waiting for him at the back of their old primary school and he didn't want to run late. This was his last night with Bucky before he were to be shipped off to God knows what awful place in Nazi Europe and he didn't want to miss even a second of it. Bucky's face, his warm eyes, his smile... 

Steve almost knocked over some trash bins because of his trail of thoughts, but he managed to keep them upright without making to much noise. A few rats scuttled away when he moved on and finally arrived at the now deserted school where he had spent severable miserable years of his life trying to study while classmates were constantly poking him with rulers and pencils. For some reason the teacher had always looked away when this happened. 

Steve closed his eyes and put his mind on his best friend again. School wasn't really that bad as long as Bucky was around. Together they could fight back against the bullies until they left Steve alone. They'd always come back after a few days, but it sure as hell was a lot better than coming home every day with new bruises to show to his tired, worried mother.

"Steve! Over here! Daydreamin again, aren't you?"

Steve looked up and his heart gave a flutter as he saw His best friend walking towards him with a big grin on his face. Bucky's brown eyes gleamed when they met his blue ones and before Steve could say anything he was pulled into a crushing hug with his cheek grazing the rough, earthly smelling uniform Bucky was wearing. Slightly disorientated by the sudden close proximity they were in he patted his friend's back vaguely before he was finally released and he could breath properly again. 

"It's technically night, you know. I couldn't be daydreaming even if I tried."

Bucky rolled his eyes at that but the grin didn't leave his face. He swung an arm around Steve's small shoulders and they began to walk through the streets. Steve wasn't so cold now that he had Bucky's warmth surrounding him, but it was hard to think straight without constantly repeating 'Bucky, Bucky, _Bucky_ ' in his head. He tried to not give anything away on his face about what he was thinking about. Steve didn't know what he would do if Bucky ever found out how he really felt about him. Their friendship would be over, that's one thing he knew for sure. Bucky loved girls and they loved him back. No, he couldn't find out. Bucky needed a friend now who would make him laugh and forget about the war for a second. Not some guy swooning over him.

"So. I bet you're wondering why I asked you to come out here on an evening you should actually spend close to the furnace back home." 

Steve thought he could hear something else besides the nonchalence in Bucky's voice, but he couldn't quite put his finger on what it was. 

"Well... I thought you wanted to go out and have a few drinks before you- before you go?" 

He was slightly taken aback. It had seemed obvious to him that Bucky wanted to take him to some bar to get drunk and maybe flirt with some girls as they usually did.

Bucky looked up at the sky and sighed softly at something Steve couldn't see. 

"Well, I was thinking that this is a nice evening for a walk, don't you think?"

Steve blinked.

"Er-"

"Yes, I know that it is cold as hell, but at least the sky is clear. And besides, almost no one else is out in the streets now it is so cold. We can walk in- well, peace." 

Bucky let out a short laughter and let Him finally go. Immediately Steve could feel the cold seeping back into his bones, but he tried not to shiver. 

"But where do want to go?" Steve still didn't understand why Bucky wouldn't want to have a drink on his last night home. 

"I don't know. Can't we just walk and see where we end up?"

Steve glanced up at Bucky, who was staring straight ahead of him with his hands in his pockets. They weren't walking anymore and were standing next to the window of the butcher shop where Bucky once stole a whole ham for Steve and his mother. He was so goddamn proud of himself back then with that big grin on his face that had shown a few of his missing teeth. It had been months since they had eaten proper meat and Steve's mother made a feast out of it with pretty porcelain plates and candles. Steve had had a bad case of the flu, but thanks to the proper meal he had become strong enough to fight it off sooner than he normally would've.  
It had been one of Steve's best days ever.

"Bucky..." Steve begun uncertainly, "...If you want to go on a walk, we go on a walk. No problem. I was just- surprised, I guess. Usually you hate everything that doesn't have a clear purpose, so."

Steve's heart fluttered again at the prospect of walking with Bucky through the deserted streets of Brooklyn. He shook the thought away. It didn't mean anything. They were just going to walk, nothing more nothing less.

_He doesn't want you. You're just some kid he has to save every goddamn time you get yourself into trouble. Soon, he will be fighting some real scary bullies and you will be here doing squad for the people who are suffering under the Nazi regime and the soldiers fighting for their freedom. Stop questioning the guy and give him what he wants._

Bucky's soft smile pulled Steve out of his thoughts. He smalled weakly back at him and they started walking again in silence. He saw Bucky looking at all the little shops and it seemed almost like he was saying goodbye to them as he went. But that didn't make any sense since he was coming back after the war was won and over. Right?

They walked down a few more streets and were walking in the more poorer part of town when Bucky suddenly grabbed his arm and pointed up at an huge old house that could clearly collapse any time now. Steve wouldn't have even recognized it anymore if Bucky hadn't pointed it out for him.

"You remember that time we hided in there from Mrs. Scrawley? When we stole the pie out of her window and she came after us with her broomstick held high in the air? God, that was the most scared I've ever been in my entire _life_! It even beats out all the times my mom got mad at me and she was quite the person to behold."

Slowly the memory surfaced and Steve began to smile. 

"She hit you a few times before we managed to shake her off. You insisted on hiding out for _hours_ before you dared going outside again. I especially remembered laughing at you-" Bucky swapped at him and Steve duck to avoid it. "- but the pie was good, though. I felt guilty for days for steaking, but I was _so_ hungry..."

Steve shook his head and they laughed a bit more before they left the house and the memories attached to it behind them. They walked past bars that seemed to be full with uniformed men, all having a last drink before they took off to serve their country. Steve began to ask Bucky if he was sure he didn't want to go inside, but he told him no with a soft look in his eyes. Steve shrugged and dived deeper into his coat. He wished he had brought some warm gloves with him. That was exactly what he would've done if he hadn't thought Bucky would want to get drunk tonight. He silently wished Bucky would pull him close again, but that didn't happen to his disappointment.

It seemed to become even colder than it already was when they passed the statue of some old science guy in which he and Bucky had tried to climb into once but what resulted in him getting a broken arm and Bucky graze wounds on his knees when he jumped on the ground immediately after Steve fell. Steve winced at the memory but burst into laughter as Bucky tried to imitate how hard Steve had screamed back then. Bucky sounded like a goat getting strangled and Steve gave a ugly snort as he pushed his friend away from the statue before he would wake up the whole neighbourhood. 

Bucky closed his hand around Steve's arm and pulled him into another street with uneven cobblestones over which they stumbled in the dark. When Steve almost fell over, his friend threw his arms around him and pulled him upright again. Their faces got dangerously close in the progress and another blush formed on his pale cheeks, but Bucky merely grinned at him with sparkling eyes and they took off again, swaying through the street with their arms around each other as if they were drunk. And they were, only not on alcohol.

Several minutes had passed when Bucky suddenly stopped dead in his tracks and stared into some alley. Steve wasn't so cold anymore thanks to the walking and Bucky's close proximity and he was quite content at the moment. Bucky turned to look at him and Steve could see the lines on his face thanks to the light of the full moon. He couldn't quite see the expression on his face, so Steve waited.

"You see that alley, Steve?"

"Yes? What about it?"

Bucky's white teeth were visible when he smiled and Steve stared at them, mesmerized.

"That's where we met, Steve. All those years ago. It only seems like yesterday for me when I saw you getting beaten up in there. But you know what? You actually fought back. You wouldn't let them just do that to you. That was pretty amazing, Steve."

Slowly it dawned on him. The crooked rain pipe, the buildings surrounding the alley... Yes. This had to be the place where he met the best and only true friend he had ever had. It all happened such a long time ago that he almost didn't recognize it anymore. They weren't those little boys anymore. Very soon Bucky would be going into war and Steve... Well. Maybe he could get a job in a factory, making bullets for the soldiers or something so he could be useful after all. He managed to smile a little when he looked back up at Bucky, who answered is smile with his own broad one.

"I- I remember now. You brought me back home and my mom bandaged our wounds."

Steve's smile softened when he thought about his wonderful loving mother, who was now laying six feet under the cold ground in the cemetary. He had wanted to buy a headstone for her, but he simply didn't have the money, no matter how hard and often he worked. Instead, Steve had spent days looking for the perfect stone to place on her grave and when he finally found it he carved the letters in it himself. When he had visited her grave a week later the stone had been gone and had left nothing but a faint ovale print on the cold ground. Steve hadn't said a word for a long time after that. He had been too afraid that if he opened his mouth he would scream and cry and never stop again. 

Bucky placed a warm hand on his shoulder and smiled at him with a soft look on his face. Steve almost got the breath knocked out of him when he met Bucky's eyes and he looked away. He prayed to God that it was too dark for his friend to see the blush that had creeped its way onto his face. 

"She's in a better place now, Steve. And I'm certain she is very proud of you."

"Proud?" Steve scoffed at that and stepped away which caused Bucky's hand to fall away from his shoulder. He silently mourned the loss of contact. "She can't possibly be proud of _me_. I've given her nothing but trouble and worries in her life. All those doctors bills and medicin prescriptions... And now, when I finally got an opportunity to prove I wasn't entirely worthless after all I get rejected! And not just once but _four_ times! How is she supposed to be proud of _tha-_ "

" _Stop it!_ " Bucky snapped at him and Steve closed his mouth abruptly. His friend had never snapped at him like that before and he froze in his place. 

"How _dare_ you say all that stuff about yourself? Well? Your mother loved you more than life itself and you dare say she isn't proud of you? Hell, you're even saying you were some kind of _burden_ to her. You were not, you hear me? You were not. I've never seen anyone look at their child with so much love and pride as your mom. Yes, you were often sick and couldn't do everything the other boys your age could but you were also the one who stood up for other kids no matter how big the bullies were and no matter how hard they would beat you up for it. And the fact you couldn't enlist in the army doesn't mean anything. At least you _tried_ whereas men older and bigger than you have fled the country to avoid duty. So don't you go telling me you're worthless, Steve Rogers, because I ain't listening to it anymore." 

After this outburst they were staring at each other for what felt like hours and Steve's sight blurred into nothing more than colours. Furiously Steve wiped at his eyes until he could see properly again and his anger only grew when he saw that Bucky's glare was softened now into what looked suspiciously much like pity. 

"This isn't _fair_ , Bucky. I want to serve my country more than anything and I just get pushed away like I'm an annoying dog." Steve balled his hands into fists and an idea slowly came up in his head. "I want to come with you. Please, you can get me an uniform, I know you can, and we'll go together! Just like always!" 

Steve looked at Bucky eagerly, but the hope disappeared when his friend slowly shook is head. 

"No, Steve. I can't take you with me. I have to do this alone." 

He couldn't believe what he was hearing. A cold dread settled into his stomach. 

"...Why not? Are you afraid that I'll cause trouble for you? That I will be a burden to you? 'Cause if that is what you think, you're _wrong_ , you hear me? I'm not that scrawny naive kid anymore. I can actually fight now and take care for myself. Or have you already forgotten that I've managed it just fine on my own after my mom died?" 

"Don't be so ridiculous! I know that you take care of yourself Steve, you don't have to convince _me_. But I have no idea what's out there and those people who checked you _do_. There must've been a very good reason for them to not allow you in the army or they wouldn't have fucking done it, Steve! Why can't you just accept that this is where we have to say goodbye?" 

Bucky's voice got louder and louder until he finally screamed the last sentence and pushed Steve against the cold alley wall. Bucky himself seemed taken aback by this action, but he didn't ease his grip on Steve's coat lapels. They both stared at each other and their breaths fogged together in the cool air. Steve looked up into Bucky's eyes and frlt his eyes water again. 

"I don't want you to go," Steve said in a pained, desperate voice and before he knew what was happening his lips met the cool, chaffed ones of Bucky. 

An explosion of emotions burst open inside of him and he didn't know which to choose. He felt a warm wave of happiness and desire, but also a stab of sadness and desperation that this all happened on the las night they had together before Bucky went away to an unknown future. 

All of his thoughts got pushed out of his mouth when Bucky grabbed with one warm hand the back of his head and with the other his hip. When they had to breath again Bucky pulled his head away, but stayed so close to Steve that their foreheads were touching. Steve couldn't see his expression in the dark, but he felt what his friend thought when his calloused hand cupped his cheek and his thumb moved over his skin. 

"Oh, Steve," sighed Bucky in an equally pained voice. He sounded as if he were crying, which Steve didn't find weird since he had tears already streaming down his face when their lips touched. "Why does this have to happen now? What cruel God would allow that?" 

"I'm sorry," Steve breathed as he tried to swallow the lump out of his throat. He felt like he was dreaming. How could this really been happening? That one thing he had been dreaming abot for years now? "I should've said something sooner. But- But I was so scared, Buck. I couldn't bear the thought of losing you. And now- now it's too late." 

Bucky made a noise in the back of his throat and pulled him into another, more desperate kiss. Steve threw his arms around Bucky's broad back and held on for dear life as the bigger man tilted his head slightly and pried Steve's mouth open with his tongue to pull him into a deeper kiss. He didn't know how long they had been standing there in the dark in the alley to which their fondest memory was attached; their meeting. Now, another outstanding memory was added to it when they had to part yet again for air. 

Steve removed his hands and framed Bucky's face with them. He felt the stubble of unshaven cheeks and the dried tracks of tears. Another fresh one fell onto his hand and Steve brushed it away with a thumb. 

"Bucky..." He said softly and closed his eyes. He felt Bucky's arms coming around him and he let himself get pulled nto a crushing hug with his own arms around the bigger man's neck. 

"It's okay... It's okay. I'll be back before you know it. I will come back for you, Steve. I promise. You hear me?" 

"...Yes," Steve breathed against his neck with his eyes still firmly closed, hoping they he could stand here forever with Bucky's warmth and smell surrounding him. 

But of course, that wasn't possible. 

When they finally let each other go, the sun had begun to rise and they had to hurry through the streets to go to the airport in time for Bucky to leave. They first had to make a quick stop at their apartment to get Bucky's bag before they finally arrived and were met with a huge crowd of soldiers in their uniforms and their weeping relatives who had come to say goodbye for what could be the last time. The thought of losing Bucky forever didn't strike him until he had hugged his friend. 

"Bucky-" 

"I know. I know, Steve. Soon we'll be together again, all right? The war can't go on that long, can it?" 

Bucky smiled at him and put a hand on his shoulder. It was still freezing and Steve could feel the early signs of the flu on himself. He swallowed and looked up at the bigger man. Steve had the sudden urge to kiss him right here right now, but that wouldn't be such a good idea. Instead, he pulled Bucky in for a last hug and then looked on as he walked into the plane. They're eyes met again when Bucky appeared at the window. Far too soon the planes moved forwards and rose into the air and Steve waved after his friend who soon became just a blur in the distant until he fully disappeared. 

In 1945 the Second World War ended. Millions of innocent people had died in this pointless war, and Bucky Barnes was one of them. Steve never received a letter from his friend, which either meant they simply didn't arrive or that Bucky had died close after arriving in Europe. Whichever it was, Steve's heart broke when Bucky never arrived home and he sunk away in depression and misery. Life without his mother was already heart, but now that Bucky was gone all of the colour in his life had turned grey and bleak. 

Finally, a year after the last Second World War survivors returned home, he suffered the same fate as his mother and died of pneumonia in the hospital. They buried him next to his mother in the old cemetery and lay there unvisited until a certain summer day more than 90 years later when a big, long haired man stood still before him. The man had a confused, painful look on his face as he stared down at the small indication that Steve Rogers lay here. 

The man clenched his metal hand and sank down on his knees. 

**Author's Note:**

> :( 
> 
> (Oh, in my head canon, Bucky becomes the Winter Soldier no matter what, so that you know. :) )


End file.
